I want to come over to your house, give you money for liquor, fuck you, and then kick it untill I have to go home. Was that blatent enough for you?
Tell your sister I'm no fool. Or at least romanticize the notion of the fool.
We turned everything surrounding BP and the oil leak into a "that's what she said" drinking game. We've been drunk for a month
I'm doing laundry in pjs and heels, home alone with my margarita bucket.
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Bring single women, or taken women who are unhappy with their relationships, or women who are happy with their relationships but have low moral standards, or women who just like to remove clothing when drunk (relationship status is unimportant for this option)
Considering how much money I just spent on slutty lingerie, it is totally appropriate for me to be plucking my nipple hair right now. Right?
i just want to attach a dildo to the ceiling and ride it like a gay spiderman.
Want to go home, so casually slip my underwear in his pocket. Never seen him grin so big and say goodbye to his friends.
He added his name to my To Do list. That's the way to my Type A heart.
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Don't be alarmed by all the Dick cakes in the fridge. But please don't eat..i accidentally broke one in half you guys can eat that one. Its labeled free Dick
He follows more cats on Instagram then he does girls.. That's how you know your boyfriend is whipped.
Do me a favor and don't mention him I feel like Regina George and I just want to scream I made him
He also wore a doorag last night so i had to swipe left.
I just found out my younger brother has me saved in his contacts as "Womb Primer" and I don't know what to do with this information
How did I get home last night?
We put your keys on a lanyard that asked anyone that found you to bring you home. A nice man in a cape, green shorts and a mesh shirt dropped you off this morning.
Oh. Yeah. Riiiggghhht
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