She wants her shit back. Clearly she missed the cheaters-get-their-shit-ritually-burned clause.
you convinced the bartender to un-cut you off by letting him touch your boobs whenever you ordered a drink.
I've heard so many rumors about me being taken home in an ambulance I'm starting to believe them.
you made sure you came back for your bottle of vodka but didn't remember to take your shoes
Wait so they unscrewed the bathroom door to find you naked?
Ohh man do you know how awkward it is to keep eye contact and have a normal conversation with someone while their hand is in your vagina?
Ripped lines in the bathroom before my presentation.. Got bonus marks for my enthusiasm.. This is why I love drugs
As I am reading this. I'm standing in my underwear eating taquitos. I'm saying this in the most loving way possible: FUCK OFF.
I was getting sick from all the peanut butter I had to lick off
Stop bitching. YOU SHOULD FEEL BLESSED TO HAVE LICKED PEANUT BUTTER OFF OF THESE TOTTERS
I'm ok. I've got the pantsless-with-dignity thing down pat
He recreated the night that started all my mothers days. We shared a joint, drank Boones Farm, and dry humped to the Beastie Boys. Then I cried over MCA's death. Best. Gift. Ever.
A gay dude just spanked me with a nicholas sparks novel and called me foxy. I'm putting this on my resume.
In hindsight, drunkenly yelling "I'M TICKLISH" might not have been an entirely wise decision
Its almost 1 am and u wanna get together and cry naked
The one time I decide to bring people over you are laying naked on the coffee table watching the ceiling fan cause "it just moves so fast" I'm guessing you got paid today??
Randomize
