im pretty sure that there was a mint leaf in my poop this morning. i love mojito season.
You had already cockblocked me. The cops were just an assist.
Hmm. I hear gunshots, car horns blaring, hear drunk white people screaming, and see about fifty status updates pertaining to the hawks. I guess they won.
walking around pouring bird seed on passed out guys in the quad.
According to FB I fucked in a field 365 days ago.
Nothing says Welcome to America than having the international house watch a sorority girl puke over the edge of the porch at 8am.
I'm crossing my legs while pooping. Taking a shit has never looked so proper.
You bought champagne and told everyone it was because I'd just found out I was pregnant. How exactly is that being a good wingman?
I blew him while he was standing up and he drooled on my head
I would like you to know I am eating your apology chocolate, which means i forgive you for puking everywhere before formal
I pulled up iMessage on my computer and I'm pretty sure two people in my class saw that dick pic you sent. Sorry!
I apparently asked the bartender for a plastic bag and told her I was gunna puke then grabbed two handles from the bar then put the handles in the plastic bag and left.....
I only wore my thong with cheeseburgers on it because I thought we'd have sex. So I basically wasted my best thong for nothing.
I've had more sex since the twins moved in than I'd had in the previous four years. They are the best wingman ever.
So what we learned was that it doesn't matter how skinny the stripper is, if she sits on your knee with a torn acl for two hours it's going to swell up
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