Dude she has a fucking rock collection. Never will I ever talk to her again.
She greeted me with a new giants jersey and an opening day blowjob. this is true love.
make sure nobody uses the downstairs toilet. i like to have an unused toilet for the weekends. dont shit where you puke i always say.
I've been alternating between telling people I was mauled by a bear or hit by a car to explain the massive unexplainable bruise on my leg. Slightly more worried now that the car idea is believable.
This weekend has taught me that sometimes, being buried under a mattress is the safest place in the room.
also, I heard you can donate your eggs for like $8gs....hellloooo mediterranean vacation. thank youuuu future babies!!!
sea world and a strip club? BEST DAY EVER!
Going to jail was so much more fun than I thought it would be. I feel like I walked away with more than just a bomb-ass mugshot, I feel like I made some life long friends.
Celebratory bar crawl?
Well I checked the bush outside his apartment building this morning, and he wasn't there... So I knew he was home.
It tastes like you we're too lazy to shower and instead just sprayed yourself with Febreeze.
You have a very discerning palate.
Holy high batman
The hairdryer was like a fuckin obstacle course
The guy I blew last night was pierced in multiple places. I had to use extra caution to avoid my temporary filling.
Just remember: We don't tell our English professor about our fetishes unless she specifically asks about them.
I woke up with my converse still on and a plate of pasta next to my face, if that gives you any indication of how my night went
tell him if he brings over dinner you might let him see your left boob...or right, whichever you prefer. But under no circumstances do you let him see both...unless he brings a good desert...like coffee ice cream or something
Randomize
