Im starting to realize why people dont masturbate while driving
she called me screaming that i shouldn't ignore her phone calls, because she's not trying to get me to hang out with her and she doesn't want to be my girlfriend, she just wants sex.
what did you do?
i asked her out. that's so hot.
Just because i have a masturbation problem doesnt mean you can put 20 photos of Jesus in my room.
when I woke up I found a half-eaten cherry toaster strudel sandwich with bacon in the middle.
So I came home baked last night and made about 60% of my jeans into jorts...
I ended up taking shots of whiskey and chasing them with potato wedges, I have never felt more Irish
scratched cornea got me an eyepatch and a blowjob from a girl with a thing for pirates
the lady next to me just sniffed my hair, smiled, and then fell asleep. I almost started crying from that kind of creepiness
don't cry, we can learn from her
i was really disappointed no one would drink beer from our cleavage last night except for us
Pitting the remainder of the bottle against my hangover. I'm expecting an all out cage match for my soul and wellbeing.
Well I walked the wrong way for a little bit and I don't remember if I fell asleep or not but I definitely laid down under the over pass for a while
Dude he's moving to fucking Germany now. What is it about your vagina that makes men want to flee the continent?
I work 80 hours a week to prevent myself from just laying in bed and masturbating all day. It's a hands off strategy.
That man fucks like a champ. The sex was so good I did him again in the morning just to be sure
You told him he “could park his dick in your garage”.
Well he didn’t. It shouldn’t be this hard to get a penis.
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