I've been reduced to Capt. Morgan and Golden Girls reruns. Ugh.
this beer tastes like vomit already
I can actually hear my brain cells scream as they die when she speaks.
yeah my parents were only ten feet away and we somehow managed to do it in five different positions without them noticing
Arguably, the best part was cockblocking those squirrels.
sorry i was making out with matt didn't mean for it to sound like that. there was no tone
there should be a new saying, don't text and tongue
Just wana tell you im wearing assless jorts tonight. Ive been waiting my whole life for this.
I made him sleep with a condom on and i passed out on the carpet with only a bra on.
I can't believe I cried over a sausage mcmuffin.
We got the possum out of our house. We built a maze with our empty kegs and chased it with brooms.
She's the worst person, but the best naked person
What happens at the gay bar stays at the gay bar. Except that I sold my panties for $100. People should know that.
This morning I got out of bed 4 HOURS LATE, made eggs with a plastic beach shovel, and then ate them using pens like chopsticks in my bed with my turtle. Obviously, I am not in the mood to be proactive with my life today...
THIS IS THE 11TH FUCKING COFFEE TABLE THAT YOU AND RICHARD CRASHED THROUGH.
I'm surprised me and Richard survived 11 of your coffee tables.
YOU TWO ARE BUYING ME A NEW ONE I AM PISSED.
Operation: 12 Dick pics of Christmas was a sweeping success, thanks for asking!
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