he suggested i make a website called "cum on molly's face", to "start off my acting career"
just took my exes job. there should be an award for how many times I've managed to fuck that girl's life
Great, now justin bieber is gonna sing a song about chile
when you tell me you got me a birthday present, I have to assume it will show up in a drug test.
He's basically like a fancy dildo that buys me dinner.
you were upstairs in your room looking out your window and saw him puking in your bushes outside. you then proceeded to open the window and sing Come To My Window
Think of it this way, instead of a puppy, we're getting a baby.
I'm drinking nothing but vodka and coffee for the next 48 hours. For science.
Why am I feeling up grandma?!
I'm really glad a picture of you as an infant followed this text.
Nevermind, there are three drinks waiting at the bar for me. I cannot disappoint this alcohol.
And that was the night we had mind-blowing sex with the score from Raiders of the Lost Ark blaring on vinyl in the background...
Sorry this is taking so long. I'm looking for my dignity.
You date? I thought you just hooked up with your TAs
I just opened my travel toothbrush holder and it smelled like vodka...maybe a vodka cranberry. This says a lot about my vacations.
dude if looks could fuck you two would've been naked in front of everybody
Randomize
