Most awkward sex ever...
And im texting you in the middle.
The crowing achievement of my life is still the time I made a 3 course meal out of things I found in the dumpster.
Your braces fetish is going to end up biting you in the dick.
We'll probably be arrested for having a cheetah in our apartment anyway, so I say go for it.
Made a vodka juice box out of a ziploc bag and a straw for when I drive. Doesn't count as an open beverage container anymore.
Fucking finally I'm about to die from sobriety over here
Again??? Now we can't ever fucking go there again STOP PEEING IN FOYERS
woke up with empty beer can still duct taped into my fists and the word "dove" written on the back of my neck
My vagina needs her own mother sometimes.
I am drinking fireball and apple juice out of a sippy cup like a fucking toddler.
You left me alone with nothing but donuts and my thoughts.
GUESS WHO STILL HAS BOTH NIPPLES!
She definitely peed in a bucket in their closet last night. We should warn them about that, right?
Just watched a middle age white woman scream WHY DON'T YOU GO FUCK YOURSELF, HELEN?! Helen seemed absolutely scandalized.
I am far too sober to understand you right now. sorry.
Randomize
