In all seriousness though I just found out the dog pissed in my bed it'd be nice to crash somewhere other than my couch while my piss soaked bedding is in the washer
Just saw a homeless guy with a sign that said "Family abducted by aliens. Need money for ransom" and on the back of the sign it said "And it's only $.88"
i have essays due online every friday...im just going to write 'im hungover' for every one
So he told me he didn't have a condom, paused, and then said "so, pulling out" and tried to high five me.
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After Sake bombs he tried to puke into an alluminum beer bottle and shot vomit streaks in a perfect V out the sides of his mouth and hit BOTH girls he had bought drinks for that night. He was like an Icon of Cock-blocking yourself.
Your wedding's just one more day in my life I can't wear sweat pants.
i'm just sitting here watching hocus pocus, eating takeout, and taking self esteem quizzes online while everyone is out partying. you tell me how my night is.
You didn't act like you were blacked out yesterday...
I didn't know
My life is a joke. Told everyone last night that they could call me Mrs. McCormick because I'm gonna end up alone with a handle of peach vodka anyways.
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I get a nose bleed and my uncle is automatically giving me the "your doing lines off dashboards again aren't you" look
People...there is no better feeling in the world than finding out via Google that your ex has a warrant out for his arrest. No better feeling.
I don't remember much and some girl almost convinced me to jump off the bridge while she held my stuff...
I just swallowed confetti and motor-boated some guys beard...#happy2015
So the vodka/tequila mix went down fine but the burp made me cry
Noooo no no no no. She scares me. She means business. She wore a diaper when we went to the bar.
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