why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
Found an earplug stuck to the inside of my thigh this afternoon. Just how much noise were we making?
Either he was jacking off or having a seizure next to me in bed. Either way, I was too lazy to help.
Just had such a rough shit, don't stop believin had to be played
Could someone please explain the rug burn on the right side of my face and do I need a shot of penicillin?
What are you doing St Patricks day? I'm banned from all work parties with open bar ever since the cinco de mayo party that I dumped a drink on my co-workers head and played air guitar on my boss' ankle cast.
I'll even give you a complementary welcome blowjob.
Do you remember ripping my condom off last night while yelling "I DEMAND MY MEAT RAW" like a Viking?
Nick's drunk off his ass and Kyle just Texted me and all he said was "butt pirates from space".
I'm proud of you for choosing to be an organ donor on your fake!!
Stole my 7th stop sign and 3rd speed limit sign last night. Not even sure how because they were bolted to a cement wall. Tequila gives you strength you didn't know you had.
Sex while Star Warsing is the best
Dude on a beach in sicily and a blonde jesus just smoked us out and then tried to makeout with me I am never leaving this place
You know it was a good night when you wake up w/o a shirt in someone elses living room next to a pancake on a spoon in a bowl of spaghetti.
I LinkedIn messaged people about jobs when I was blacked out
Randomize
