He ripped my extensions out during sex, not noticing until this morning when he saw them on the floor. I told him they werent mine and he went and threw them in his sister's room.
just went onto Yahoo and the featured article had a picture of one of the Jonas brothers. last two times the featured article was a celebrity's face the headline was "Michael Jackson is Dead" and "Pitchman Billy Mays is Dead" so naturally I got a little excited. Turns out he's just engaged. Who gives a fuck.
Why don't we skip the roadtrip entirely, save us the trip, and go straight to jail?
Just picture a dyson vacuum with razor blades. That's how it felt.
Best part of failing a semester of college: not having to buy books next semester. I can drink to that
I'm going to need to borrow your helmet cam for my Wednesday night blackouts.
I bet it kind of sucks while you do community service I'm getting blown in the shower. haha
I swear to god, if you fuck the hot one you're paying me back for the shot I just bought her
I tried to high-five the cop last night. he just looked at my raised hand and told me to go to bed.
On the way home there was a guy passed out IN the road on Colfax with his pants around his ankles, completely bare assed. If he was dressed as a speed bump, he succeeded.
So the doorbell rang while we were banging, and I'm pretty sure the pizza man saw my dick. But hey, we got pizza.
You now have the mental image of me flying off into the sunset with no pants
I'm in a corner eating carrots and drinking champagne. I've hit a new kind of low.
How is that low? I love carrots.
Dude, we got to the strip club as they were closing, and you starting crying because, and I quote, "This is the closest to birthday sex I'm gonna get."
a girl walked up to me and asked if you were my brother. she shook her head and said 'im so sorry' when i said yes. what did you fucking do????????
Randomize
