I'd rather drink alone in my closet than hang out with that girl
go do what you do best...puke behind churches
i just shit 3 out of the 4 types of matter
The best part was that when i tried to chase her she ran off in one of those barbie motorized jeeps that little kids use and i chased her on a big wheel, thru lincoln terrace
My mom gave me a high five when I told her I was just using him for sex
You and your mom would make an amazing tag team
She just got in car wreck. Wreck sex is better than break up sex
Just found cake in my bra, debating if I should eat it
Worst drunk idea ever... Me "Cops are looking for two guys, one in a grey shirt one in a blue shirt" jelly "lets take out shirts off they'll never find us" of course I thought it was brilliant
Also bring a pizza or no entry to my vagina OR the fort.
Cheese only
My friend wants your phone number so you can teach her how to take a beer bong. She saw you doing them last night and got jealous.
Just tell her to open her throat. I don't want to talk to anyone who is jealous of someone who woke up this morning with a cat in their shirt as a result of that glorious beer bonging skill.
Currently putting together my outfit for this weekend, AKA a poster board that says "I'll cook you breakfast and do all your laundry, take me home." On front and back
Son of a bitch took my liquid eyeliner
They won't let me buy alcohol in the airport until 9am. Super judgemental
but if we have a President Trump come Tuesday, I might throw myself off the Walt Whitman Bridge so Thursday might not work for me after all.
You made the lady who made your cheeseburger sign the box so that when she got famous you would have her autograph.
Randomize
