please stop taking shits in my toilet and leaving them there.
His moose knuckle keeps winkin at me
So it wasn't until I came that he pointed out the glow in the dark plastic star still stuck to my forehead. Fun times.
I just came to the conclusion that the most depressing part of my day is when I have to put clothes on.
He told me his mother taught him that move. What the hell do I say to that?
I made him tell me how he proposed to his wife before I'd bang him. I have a problem.
Just paid my credit card bill at the bar. This phone makes it so I never have to leave
You were pretty dunk by the time you introduced the vase as your best friend.
You know when the three of us hug it out in the alcohol isle in walmart it's gonna be fun.
I'm trying to pinpoint the moment when "don't do anything I wouldn't do" became bad advise.
I JUST DEFLATED MY BOOB.
I DON'T KNOW WHETHER TO LAUGH OR CALL AN AMBULANCE.
By the power invested in me i promise you hot wedding sex at my wedding.
I put miralax in my rum/coke. Go hard or go home.
I think I just found my soul mate...he's wearing a zebra striped onesie and is into Michael Jackson...I'll explain in the morning.
he asked if he should bring the trash can into the room.. apparently i shoved my finger all over his face and said.. shhhh dont talk... just take your pants off.
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