I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
my three year anniversary of no dick sucking is coming up. you can throw me a party with a penis cake.
you assured me you'd make it home safe because your pizza rolls were waiting up for you.
I didn't know people actually cried after sex.
Now he's lighting his socks on fire
sitting on my lesbian neighbors couch, sexting, & eating a burrito.. that single
A stranger just came up to me and asked why I hadn't texted him, and if he was just a one night stand. I live for these moments.
Skip school. Seven hour blow job Plus Disney movies. Day of champions
Is singing the Indiana Jones theme while I put on the condom off limits?
I'm not the one who can lose their erection, so it's fair game
you ate the make a wish sign. Like actually chewed on it. It was our solution to going outside when the cops were there
Need to spend sober time with him while fully clothed. I can't decide if he's a seriously amazing man or a complete fucking dickbag.
This is me not judging you for what a fine line you draw between the two.
He gave me the "find somebody who wants to date you for who you are" speech while I walked around the house asking people for pants.
We can use the Mac n cheese as the potatoes in our breakfast burritos. Problem solved.
Dude, you screamed I AM THE WALRUS while giving a statue of Ronald McCdonald a lapdance. You were NOT sober.
I swear 2020 just keeps getting worse and worse
Randomize
