You went to the wrong car, tried to open the locked door, and started crying because you thought we were playing a mean trick. Then the owner came...
I forgot how ruthlessly advertising works on me when I'm high.
He told me to fart on his lap because the vibrations turned him on
I thought all girls wanted is to get a boner
you want to re-phrase that?
Just found custom condoms. Guess I'm not getting any work done today.
I'm drinking whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
I'm sorry I tried putting my balls in your cup holder.
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
She pulled out a handful of chest hair. And then gave the room a Brave Heartesque speech.
I wish your snatch was here
If my snatch could sprout wings I'd fly to you
Using my graduation announcement box as a table to roll a blunt on. I've official stopped giving a shit about senior year
Woke up with a 6lb bucket of Redvines with a note that said "I'm sorry" care to explain?
Taking a shit in a Texas 7/11... not accepting phone calls now lol
So anyways, we returned the toilet paper and decided to use the money for taco bell and slurpees instead...
You want further proof that God hates me? Okay. We're on the way to the ER. A homeless man stabbed me at the gas station.
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