i'm so bored i'm watching porn for fun. not even jacking off or anything. just watching.
just chased whiskey with a pickle. i definitely recommend it
Someone carved 'Hank' in all caps in the snow outside my apartment building so naturally I turned the capital H into a K and added an S to the front.
I think college has really matured you.
He was a level 5 clinger dude i dont need to be told how ridiculously awesome i am all the time, if so id just hang out with my mom
Wow anytime a scalper has i need tix written on the back of a franzia box thats a trusted seller
I just found ouut you can get a DUI in a kayak. Fuck.
I am making a budget for 2012. Should condoms be in the insurance or entertainment category?
I can only take thier stupid "I think beauty school is for me" routine so long until I have to bitch slap them with some knowledge
Did you really lure me out of the bar with a blond holding a dunkin donuts bag? Well played sir, well played.
the bride at the wedding we just crashed said we can stay only if we strip for her. You need to get down here
For the record, just because I'm a mess doesn't mean I don't know what I'm talking about when I give you advice. I'm way better at other people's lives.
That's not a funny feeling. That's hepatitis. You got it from that bar where everything was sticky.
I found some video of you on my camera that's like 5 seconds long, where you announce that you should have been a dentist before taking a bong hit.
Well, I'm hung over and my penis hurts - two signs of success
For some reason drunk me always leaves sober me a banana in the morning.
Randomize
