I would do things to you that would get us burned at the stake if we lived in a puritan village.
i had a dream that your penis turned into a long neck dinosaur
did it start talking like on Land before time?
I had a dream last night that I had to pretend I liked Dave Matthews Band to impress this girl I was talking to.
I guess it was more of a nightmare.
So I just introduced myself to this guy in front of me and now he's saving my pictures on facebook to his phone..
If we keep treating our bodies like amusement parks we have another 10 years left at best.
he passed out on the stove with a cup in his hand. yes the pictures are hilarious
Hung over does not do it justice. I am hung like a horse over. I am hungover and over and over. I am hung, drawn and quartered fucking over. They just told me I can't keep my sunglasses on in the office. Fuck drinking with you people.
he told me he didn't know whether he was gonna puke, pass out, or cum. i don't know if i should be flattered or offended.
I just sent him 3 long ass texts about how to tell a girl how he feels. I should get a fucking friend zone medal.
I will make you one.
Good. It needs "forever alone" engraved on it
I'm at the bar, forgot my pants. Everyone's over reacting
Someone I just met told me they were going to name their kid after me. Daylight savings is weird.
Now, one of you come feed me, the other read me my physics book...I'm too hungover for this shit...
SO AWKS THEY ARE HAVING A COUPLE FIGHT AND I JUST WANT PIZZA
Were we still high when we decided to break your leg?
She’s 47 and wants me to fuck her on her mom’s hospital bed
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