My Dad named our wireless network after my dead grandma. I refuse to look up porn on my dead grandma...
:( I miss blowjobs.
This is probably the strangest conversational segue we've ever had.
you told all the 17 year old girls at the party that your mating call was "I glitter in the sun"
i knew it was time to leave when he woke me up only wearing pooh bear oven mitts and holding a plate of thank you pancakes
Dude... there's chunks of hair all over the floor, and no one knows how they got there. You guys just made out right?
Wheres my "thanks for using birth control effectively and not contributing to the downfall of society" card.
Im pretty sure by the fifth subway ride after going in circles the four times prior, we all just accepted that we werent making the concert and should instead enjoy our magical weed and tequila laced journey.
Mom just referred to a 9 year old as "this bitch", so I'd say day drinking was a success.
I know it's like I wanna bring somebody fun who I haven't drunkenly expressed my feelings for. Or hooked up with. It's a struggle.
I am still awake. And let me sing you the song of my people. Ahem. "I have a bottle of hydrocodone and you all can fuck off."
I climaxed at the same time the bass dropped. I think it's safe to say I've reached enlightenment
I'm glad I can share my workout progress with you via my nudes
Is it okay to mention my ambition to become a supervillian and kill all humans on a first date, or is that a second date discussion?
So why exactly are your shoes in my freezer?
Those brownies did us in. I honestly blacked out completely.
What brownies? Ohmygod.
Randomize
