apparently the 911 operator took drunk dialing waaayy too seriously
She had to leave early so she could get ready for her high school's homecoming. I hope her date likes sloppy seconds.
I legitimately woke up with a girl trying to snort cocaine off my dick.
Oh I already celebrated valentine's day. I stayed up until 4 AM listening to biggie, drinking rum, and caressing all my girl curves in front of the mirror. And then I came 3 times.
I'm currently looking on facebook to see how slutty the girls from my kindergarden class are now. I have a problem.
the only two hours i was sober on this trip and i managed to break my toe. no one will believe this.
She looks well worn, presumably from a cavalcade of penis.
Deciding whether to take my sex toys home for Christmas will be the biggest decision I make this holiday season
Too stoned. Randomly can't get the image of Emilio estevez's smiling face out of my head. What is life.
if i ever get to the point where i am moaning when i pee, please do the honorable thing and kill me.
I feel like my liver should be on crutches right now
Ya’ll! My debit card got switched with my boss’ at lunch today (both Red Wells Fargo)....I realized it at whole foods AFTER I ran it for $100 at Vanity Room getting my vaj waxed 🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️. Most awkward IOU ever tomorrow.
I may have just got motorboated by a male stripper who told me I should be a porn star and not a vet student.
I just woke up on the floor with an empty handle in one hand and a piece of my ceiling in the other. #classy
Excuse me. I’m a mature responsible adult.
You got your arm stuck in a vending machine trying to get fruit snacks.
I had a cast on my hand and if I paid for my fruit snacks, I’m getting my fruit snacks.
Randomize
