why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
You know you're true friends when you can talk about what sexual diseases you may or may not have.
...she's taking her top off and singing songs from Anastasia. I swear to God were solumates.
I tried to throw up out of my window but I forgot there was a mesh screen.
So for Valentine's Day...I finally swallowed. I feel like I earned that steak.
Just saw a bouncer shoot a stripper with a squirt gun. He looked at me n said,"gotta keep em in check." I'm in love with this place
there was 12 of us, girls included, shirtless and wielding swords as we bet on rock paper scissors in the middle of the bar. It was like Cinco de Mayo version of the Deer Hunter
I don't even want to go. i just want to be a hermit and live in a cave with an elephant that pisses vodka
An outback commercial just played and I remembered that guy from Australia Imade out with at the Derby. Great Bachelorette Party, btw.
I'm sending you the three minute video I jus took,....it's of me eating a pear up close
I've counted 3,503 loops of fabric on my carpet so far. FUCK YOU ACID!!!
Was your wine and cheese snap taken from the toilet?
My date bailed but I got to take a nap so I'm cool with it.
I'm using emojis for drug deals now. It's time to kill me.
Why the fuck is Ian Naked eating string cheese in my guest bedroom?
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