You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
u think ur still drunk from last night? i just put the eggs in the freezer and the remote in the sink. I don't wanna fucking hear it.
I just had a formal request to dress as a boyscout for my meeting with Legal on Friday. From Legal. Time to go home.
You're not invited to the wedding. They don't want you starting a "who's fucked the bride the most" contest.
Circumcision scars are like fingerprints. I think I'm on to something man.
I'm sorry i ruined our friendship with a boner
Right now I'm drinking out of a gallon water jug & eating a baconator. If you're feeling down, just remember you could be me.
We drove through Taco-Bell on our way to the ER
OH MY GOD did i pee on you?!
I made a separate snapchat account so I could swap nudes with a guy from omegle.
Why do all of your bad decisions sound like fucked up mad libs?
I sent him home with blood on his fingers and shame in his heart.
we've dated a week and made out twice. he is taking it slow. but his body is stupid sexy. just want him to stop respecting me and fuck me like a gutter slut. respect me later im not getting younger.
Great... now even my dreams are making fun of me
I'm not just straddling the line between love and hate, I'm dry humping the shit out of it
I'm naked, eating straight Nutella, and listening to "Make you feel my love" on repeat. So no. He didn't ask me out.
Randomize
