a guy named alex was hitting on my friend tonight. he doesnt work on wind turbines tho.
im at the bar and i misjudged a fart...go home or ride the night out?Never mind, the bouncer made the decision for me...be home soon
I walked into the bathroom and the toilet was on fire... I stood there for like a minute trying to decide whether I should put it out or get my camera.
No, I left myself a half eaten cucumber and a beer next to my head, pointed at it and said 'you're breakfast' and then passed out.
Listen, don't freak out when you walk out on me masturbating in front of my roommate. No homo. He just needs to be put to his place.
My lecture teach is passed out next to me. I think I'm doing pretty good for a freshman.
Yeah when we were together he never sent me dick pics like a normal boyfriend. It was always pizzas. That should've been my sign.
Like please, take your microdick and try to stick it someplace else. It is not welcome in my world.
ok now I feel liek a very drunk human instead of a chaos being thanks water
best eviction party ever.
it wasn't an eviction party you asshole, you just happened to get yourself evicted during the party.
Well, you were never considered a shining example of sobriety anyway
I asked him to have birthday sex with me via xbox live
I can tell that I'm high when listening to celine dion becomes such a life changing experience
New life goal: Sex in a parking lot surrounded by a circle of fire.
Eh, it could have been worse. I may or may not have been wearing a jedi cloak while getting my dick sucked.
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