i woke up to my roommate spraying cooking spray on my legs. fourth time this has happened. not cool.
She handed me a mouthguard and said "here, you're going to need this" that rough.
Pretty sure a homeless guy just told me to 'lick his balls clean' because I looked at him.
I should start riding the bus again so I can drink all day
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I feel like I just need to fuck him after all his effort. like a "hey man good try" like those kids who get last place and still get a trophy.
The only responsible thing ive done in vegas is shower and that was onky to clean vomit off me
You started drinking at 2:30, did you really think you would be able to remember?
High with mom again. She's giving me relationship advice.
Why did you load my phone up with pics of Al Gore?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I resisted the urge to announce that it looks like a big crystal butt plug
he had a beard, sexy nerd glasses and kept referring to his penis as 'this dick' its like jesus was saving my perfect match for my prime
When you wake up with a bow tie and mustache drawn on your penis, you know you had a good night.
i'll talk to you in three hours when you've stopped foaming at the mouth and your eyes have rolled back into place
We had sex last night...... This "Friends" thing is going well.
Hahaha wearing a fake moustache in public was the best idea i ever had
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