So I'm cool with the whole break up, but it sure is a shame we didn't get to use those handcuffs.
Just toasted a glass of brandy with my own reflection to my dimples. Why are you not here?
Vodka @ 9pm. Library. Nothing can go wrong, I promise.
You said eat breakfast. So i poured Baileys on top of m&m's. It taste just like like cereal I swear.
stuck in traffic next to occupy boston. smells like patchouli and unshaven pubes
I don't care who it's from we're getting blown. It's a 3 day weekend anything can happen
Oh damn. God have mercy on everything w a dick in a ten mile radius.
Met my future wife peeing in the men's room. I stood in for the missing door on the stall. We really hit it off talking about how her butt didn't even touch the seat from all the years of squat lifting in high school.
Sorrye. The bathtuv says hi. But theresno water in it. I've wanted too tell you for the longest, but nevr could
I'm gonna hop on that dick and ride it into the sunset
He smacked my ass so hard my ass cheek looks like Wilson from Cast Away
I'm still home, my life isn't together. Currently drying my pants
Then, he ate me out while I watched Bo Burnham. Best. Night. Ever.
I was so drunk I got stuck in the middle of a revolving door
I can't really text bc it's too expensive but I thought youd like to know I just shit myself in a gift shop.
Randomize
