sometimes i wish i could just stick a turkey baster up there and suck out the blood
the plan is to continue having sex with all three of them until my birthday, and then once they've given me their presents, they can find out about each other.
Then they all walked away with the drinks I bought them, and the fat one slapped me in the face. I left and my car had been towed. Worst night ever.
I wonder what my nutrition professor is going to think when I have to put 21 keystone lights, a bottle of merlot wine, and 5 rum and cokes and 4 shots of tequila on my dietary analysis
I'm hiding out in the living room until he falls back asleep. If he catches a whiff of my tits, it's all over. I just need to play it cool. Babies can smell fear
The other. Cat spoke to me and left. This shit is laced
The first cat might save me but they are taking out masks
This essay is so getting done. I am spurred on by thoughts of test-driving your newly shaven face by sitting on it as soon as humanly possible.
If I had to summarise my weekend I would do so using the words "horrifying romanian moonshine"
Using our apartments online floor/space planner to see how many beer pong tables we can fit. Dont think they had this in mind when they put this thing online.
Probably not lol but were fitting as many as possible
Seriously, I woke you up with tacos, I think I deserve the best girlfriend ever award
Margaritas just taste better when they're bigger than your head
I didn't rip your fishnets, WE ripped your fishnets.
I'm basically the yoda of knowing when someone wants to sleep with you
FACT: You were laying down on top the bar letting randoms do bodyshots off you until someone told theyre friend "its time to roll, i wanna hit another bar" and you literally rolled your self right off the bar. have fun explaining your bruises tomorrow
Jello shots? I thought you weren't drinking tonight.
Im not drinking im slurping
Randomize
