You're the end to all my bad dreams.
Did you have that reoccuring dream about me banging your mom again?
she went home with me because she said i reminded her of paul rudd. remind me to thank him for his awkwardness
drunk making out is the fucking beeeest. specially when it's your exboyfriend
I wonder if you'll be as excited about this as you are now tomorrow morning.
Well no need to be a stranger, even if you aren't interested in joining my bisexual polygamist marriage. New city, new friends.
What sexual position says im sorry for your loss?
I need to do something profound in the next three and a half years so that when my kids ask what I did in my twenties I have something to say other than "made bad decisions"
The ideal thing to do next party is to tape my boobs down so they don't knock over the pong cups while playing defense. They came back to hurt us this time
Did you know that if you chase vodka with cheap red wine it tastes exactly like college alcoholism?
Tell him "come over but don't bring a flaccid dick"
Wear something tight
It's a mix of hot dirty sex and week old bong water
I feel like I smell like bad decisions
I really appreciate you taking the time to blur out my excessive boob cleavage for instagram
Yeah we've been texting but I don't know how to just randomly throw in sooo the real reason this is happening is because i hear you're a drug dealer
Yeaaaaa...im super disgusted with myself lol...which is interesting, considering all of the things I have done in my life...
A fire alarm is going off in some building, people are running around naked and people are passed out in the MIDDLE of the sidewalk. If they ban parties again, I'm going to be pissed.
Randomize
