I wish i could clap on, clap off my penis
if reincarnation is for serious, i better be a guy in my next life
with a huge shlong
massive. i wanna make bitches cry
the majority of my texts from you are at 3 AM & consist of either "I'm drunk", "you're asian", or "bratwurst"
nope im down the street in my car watching the front of her house. its actually less creepy than it sounds
I think I suffocated him while I was riding his face
He couldn't stand on his own, but he managed to somehow to get to the beer garden and get served 3 more. I'm proud to call him my cousin.
History professor is at the bar. Hurry! There's only so many A's he could give before it starts to look bad.
Is it too forward to say "stop being a good friend and start being a good fuck buddy"
I have feelings that need drinking.
How the fuck am I supposed to enjoy a third ice day from school if I only bought enough alcohol for 2?
I don't know, maybe act like an adult who teaches children for a living
It's like we're not even friends
You wear a dinosaur suit one time and everyone thinks you're a furry. Fucking hell, man.
Ugh it's 2016, why can't our bodies just shed fat on their own
Are ropes allowed in during conjugals?
I had a dream that we had an entire sofa made out of cocaine.
I’m turning 34 on Friday and I feel like the only thing I’ve accomplished in life so far is getting into pissing matches with clients
Randomize
