you know whats awesome about this morning. A suprise visit from my dad at 7:30 am. There was a pair of heels on the lawn and a girl sleeping in just her underwear on the floor of my living room. He either thinks im a champion or a total fuck up. I'm thinking fuck up but im hoping champion.
at least he left the skimmer on the side of the pool so i could fish out my thong in the morning
Birthday was great, I got entirely too drunk and made really poor life decisions. It was everything a birthday should be.
I cant yet im literally covered in lube but I will later
You can buy vodka at target here.. Maybe Missouri isn't so bad after all
That point of drunk where you're in a bar bathroom and you're like "F*ck you bra! I'm not taking your sh*t anymore! and you take it off and throw it in a trashcan.
the upside of dating someone over 21: he can buy me a pregnancy test AND a bottle of wine when he goes to cvs for me
A kid in my class today just asked if we have class on the 17th, then announced that he couldn't go anyways because it was the day after his 21 and he was going to be too hungover
I had phone sex with a retiree last night. This is not how I envisioned my 20s going...
I want to wait until after I get laid before I ask him his political affiliation. Just in case. I'm so desperate I would bang a Republican
He suck his junk in my HALF BAKED. Ben & Jerry would totally disapprove. This is worse than sticky dick donut day.
He walked into me masturbating to a framed picture of Bill Murray riding a t-rex
I'm still drunk, my mom is throwing up, and there is a random Irish guy out getting our house breakfast right now. Wednesday's are my bitch.
I don’t have enough daddy issues for this shit, make him go away
I just had a legitimate orgy. Wearing glowsticks.
Randomize
