This cookie i'm eating tastes like pizza. It was so worth contacting my sister for pot.
Tonight is one of those "I'm wearing a shirt as a dress" nights because I need to get laid.
i should probably find things i have in common with someone besides drinking, before having sex with them
They just came out of my bathroom and asked if I could spare them a condom. See. Its a good thing I have some.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
There appears to be a lake on my nightstand. As usual, I should not be considered a suspect. Together, we will find out who did this.
Those people having sex on the beach kept looking over at you guys throwing his shoes at the seagulls.
just filed my taxes drunk as balls. i may be going to jail.
Suppose hypothetically u received a request for face time communication with a gentleman who looked astonishingly like a penis. Would you indulge him in conversation? Hypothetically of course.
Oh and someone pissed in my shoes, so I'll let you figure that out.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Your brother's naked in the courtyard again. Just a head's up.
Pretty sure the cop told you that you were the first person he pulled over for being drunk on a tractor. So there's that.
If a clean cut ginger with a flannel and tattoos shows up at the apartment, he is allowed inside.
Fun fact: the guy I banged last night. His middle name on his birth certificate is "Windstorm."
in your professional opinion, what's the most elegant way of saying "sorry I spent all night flirting with you, I thought you were gay" ?
It's done, I'm done, goodbye veneer of class and dignity it was nice knowing you
Randomize