it turns out jennifers body is not good to beat off to. yeah its megan fox but when she pukes up blood = goodbye boner
dont seek real advice from me tonight cause its always gonna end with we should have sex
My poo smells like dog food. That's how I know it was a good night.
I had to download the flashlight app so I could finish taking a dump when the power went out.
He asked if I wanted to "hang out"
A verb which here means "do lines off my dick"
Call me when you get off. I have stories about black lesbians in jail begging to braid my hair...
Apparently you can coat check a keg.
I just realized I turned down a booty call too. To make cheesecake. God help us all
I know it's not technically the "Mile High Club" but we def need a name for the airport bathroom. Cuz that just happened.
We shaved off his eyebrows I'm pretty sure his fiance will be thrilled at the wedding
Whatever you do tomorrow don't let me put on the Borat mankini and yell "POLAR PLUNGE!!" while diving into the pool
The pool is covered.....
Like that would stop me.
My motherfucking vibrator ran out of batteries right when I was about to orgasm. It's like he's possessed everything sexual in my life and has compelled it to NOT SATISFY ME.
We were ushered out of Medieval Times by a squire for making out in the torture chamber. Children were present.
We can't go out this weekend. My uterus is so desperate it's given me permanent beer goggles
Just a heads up that Dad just brought home a new Porsche and the sales girl he bought it from.
Umm okay. What are they doing?
They’re in the hot tub
Can I get divorced when I grow up?
Randomize
