Ok I won't set anything on fire if you wear pants all night. This is a bet we're both destined to lose.
He's trying to row the canoe up my front yard like he is Lewis and Clark.
Everyone in the office is in total denial. I asked my boss what he did this weekend and he said "nothing much." But I know we were both thinking about the orgy.
Come over. I've made 2 dinners and so many cocktails. I'm a 50's housewife with no family.
Fun Fact: I do not remember what its like to be sober between drinking off and on for two weeks at my "vacation" and being on painkillers for my mouth now
I think this bruise on my arm is actually an impression of your face
you are like the bill nye of illicit activities
He looks like he was the one that always had koolaid stains around his mouth as a kid, he can fuck off.
he showed me his third nipple on the first date. I might have low to no standards, but my god.
I woke up in his closet, with my shirt inside out and backwards, Rolos in my hand, a tortilla with a face carved into it stuck to the fridge with a magnet, a homemade bong next to the bed, and the door off the hinges... I need a chaperone.
Like when your most normal sex dream is you being a prostitute, you know it's been one long ass dry spell.
No dude 10 parakeets in your bedroom is 9 parakeets too many. Bring them back. Today!
What conversation warrents "penis" in rainbow comic sans
He broke both of his legs jumping out of a window to escape a coyote.
Need to use your shower bro.
FWB wearing glitter again?
It’s like she’s marking her territory
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