Went to mcdonalds... Wishing I could throw up the last 20 hours of my life.
You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
my dad's beating me at drinking again. No matter what i do I can't win.
he knocked over the vodka and juice...picks up the cup and says "yes", takes the last sip...doesnt even worry about the mess all over the floor and we continue having sex.
Let me begin my 3 part apology by saying that you are a wonderful human being...
I have no idea what's going on.... I just want to wear my horse sweatshirt and drink vodka.
He left npr on the whole time when we were doing it. ironic that i lost it on the 100th anniversary of the titanic. thanks michelle norris.
The guy at the Apple store said the warranty does NOT cover getting cum out of the keyboard. I can't believe I believed you.
YES please come visit. Lets go get belligerent. I won't even pepperspray you
GOT MY PERIOD AND AN INTERNSHIP OFFER THIS IS A WONDERFUL DAY
I FUCKED THE WRONG FRIEND HELP ME
HE BEAT A GUY WITH NOTHING BUT RAZZLE DAZZLE AND HIS FABULOUSNESS
She passed out in my baby sister's room so we put her in one of my grandma's diapers, put a pacifier in her mouth, put her in my sister's crib and took pictures.
Here’s how sick I am. I’m not hungry. I don’t want coffee. And I don’t want dick. So, you know it’s bad.
God I miss you. I would very much like to have sexual intercourse with you. I'm home eating chicken alfredo.
Randomize
