Did you ever feel like going into a planned parenthood and performing an abortion in front of them?
Umm..who the fuck is this?
Oh shit
spending the week with her family was quite possibly the longest ive ever gone without having a boner
The bouncer asked you what your sign was and u replied "syracuse"
you can't just make up for the fact that you broke up with me by tagging yourelf in my embarrassing facebook videos of you
Dude, fuck the siberian warm up. You can't put vodka in hot chocolate. Learn from my mistakes
I have random bruises including my spine and visible bite marks on my neck. Thanksgiving car sex accomplished.
There is a chick at the bar in a bumble bee onesie, complete with wings. Yeah, I must be back in Seattle.
This gem of a conversation has been brought to you be weed
Security has videotape of her blowing the boss against his car. Don't they know he entire parking lot is under video surveillance?
I know you're aving fun across the room but I can clearly see you getting a handy. It's not as "low key" as she promised. Also, why are you texting while she's doing it?!
My boss followed me on Twitter. Excuse me while I delete 90% of my tweets
We can't go back there. Ever. No context required, just know it's true.
I'm going to start using the hurricane naming system for my hangovers. Hangover Agatha is a real bitch today.
I am now banned from the bar... Because you got head from my ex in the woman's restroom
Think i may just have managed the saddest high-five in history. Finished a sudoku and high-fived myself, then looked around for somebody to high five. there was noone. forever alone.
Randomize
