i just made a list of the people i have slept with. is it bad that some of them are just either names of the places i met them or the color of the shirts?
i also rounded the number up for good measure. i am sure there are a few i have forgotten about.
Omg just saw this kid I went to elementary school with at the bar and he used to be cool and I was so awkward but now I have boobs so I WIN.
Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
When the officer tried to stop you, you just shouted your name in his face. repeatedly.
he tried breathing fire using moonshine and a roman candle. would not have believed it unless i actually witnessed it.
I just reached for my seatbelt when I sat down to pee... Might be a little hungover.
They knew I had a party because the refrigerator settings were different, but they don't notice that we installed a new toilet seat so it's okay.
Your lack of enthusiasm for my exciting news of drunken debauchery with an otherwise occupied vagina of one of my greatest conquests yet disturbs me. I'm not happy with you
My black heart of coal cannot compete with your boiling crock pot of teddy bears, rainbows, 90s music, and the good candy you get from rich people on Halloween.
Thinking of someone think of me while masturbating while I masturbate. & that's how the over thinkers do it ✌️
In Punta Cana for my bachelor trip, hopefully tomorrow my passport is blacklisted
I was on tinder the whole time I was waiting for my pregnancy test results at the doctors.
WHY IS THERE A GOLD FISH IN MY BONG??
Probably should start having regular sex again too to lose this breakup weight. Good cardio.
Nothing like ripping open the box with your keys on a sat R train and throwing back the morning after pill with some coconut water on my way to work at a fitness studio for free
Randomize
