Tonight was fucked up. First my mom called me and told me I had to go to the bar to pick up my dad 'cause he was drunk. Then when I got there my dad was doing a body shot from this lady who happened to be my 1st grade teacher. By far the most awkward car ride home. Idk if I should tell my mom or not.
Do you ever close your eyes when your having sex with your girlfriend and pretend she didn't get fat after high school?
so the last visual we have of him for the next 87 weeks is him outside on the ground rolling around yelling I HATE BLOWJOBS
Dont be alarmed when you find the maintenance guy passed out on your couch. I didn't to explain why I was there so I offered him a drink, I dont know what happened after that.....
Just got home and found him passed out with his ass stuck in a Rubbermaid garbage can. He must have been like that for a few hours
Someone just got kicked out of the mall for being dressed like a giant cat. I feel like this is in your future.
I'm about to pick up E from underneath a random doormat.......how is this remotely normal?
Pretty sure I sang "What Makes You Beautiful" to some random guy in a parking lot last night...
Some guy in the bathroom just took his shirt off and proceeded to tell me the story behind all of his stab wounds. That's what I get for making small talk
I solemnly swear I will not get your boyfriend puke in public drunk again
All you have to drink is moonshine and ranch. This is bullshit.
Magyver!
Noo not in a booty call way, in a 'How are your abs and penis doing today?' sort of way.
Listen. The next time my first idea in the morning is "hometown buffet and a water bottle full of captain morgan", please make me go back to sleep.
And with the bitter taste of failure in my mouth, i am off to pub to drown it in tequila and 19 year olds, so in the morning i can add pregnancy and stds to my list of problems.
I was so drunk, he put me to bed and went down stairs to hang out with his friends. Apparently, I was curled up in the closet, spooning the dresser when he came back up.
Randomize
