The only person who has seen my penis more than that girl, is that girl's sister.
A guy just tried to send me a pic of his penis & my phone sent me a disclaimer saying "the components were unsuitable for your terminal"
Even your phone knows you shouldn't sleep with him...
she pinky promised me she was 18
Honestly, I don't care if the only reason she gave me her beer was because she was bisexual and wanted to touch my vagina. Beer is beer.
we were playing waterfall, then strip waterfall, then we were just listening to music, drinking, and slowly becoming more naked
He told me my outfit made me look like a twelve year old then proceeded with "but you don't look like a whore"
It took 6 cruisers to bust the party last night. Cop asked if the theme was a beach party. I said I would fucking hope so with 8 tons of sand in the garage
Don't pretend you don't want to dance on the edge of overdose all three nights
But now I'm just thinking when he said he "worked for the airline" he actually meant drug smuggling.
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
So I may have to sleep with a cougar to get a slightly used, yet free microwave. I'm going in
currently working on a look that screams, "I'm dead inside, but still trying to enjoy the ride"
I made out with a guy so that I could get ahead in the bathroom line, totally acceptable
Pretty sure I love my nipple piercing more than I'll love my children someday
she told him my safe word. I'm gonna casually work it into conversation and at him suggestively to see if he realizes i want to have rough sex with him
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