dude i woke up laying next to some guy. i dont have my bra or his name. he has a nice tv though.
You had a beer at 10:30 this morning?
Ya, I didn't have any Tylenol.
I woke up to them arguing over who would get my morning wood. Oh, and I was dressed as Santa.
I just saw a girl in Albersons in spandex and curlers buying PBR. Only PBR.
Pre-order weed for 4/20 and i'll give you a discount.
I realized we pick a president more often than I get a blowjob
Do you think my parents will accept my drinking habits more if I told them I like to drink every night because I take good shits the next morning?
New handbag passed the ultimate test. The walk of shame. I had a bra, tights, skirt, shirt & sweater in it and you couldn't tell. yessss.
drove into oncoming traffic. add a minute to my ETA
Maybe it's the vicodin, but all I wanna do is hunt wild hogs.
Found a popcorn kernel in my pubes... Time fir a Brazilian
On another note; I'm three days away from being 1/12th of my way from not having sex for a year. I need to get laid.
I'm sorry I put my balls through your watch. On another note your roommate had them on his shoulder too sry
Got myself invited to boss's family dinner party, drank too much, and fucked boss's brother in his parent's house. Just another Wednesday.
I'm like the kinda excited when David After Dentist stands up in his seat, screams, and collapses
Randomize
