Just got yelled at by a priest...again.
HOW IN THE HELL DID YOU BLOW A .24?????
We were watching I'm a celebrity get me out of here and taking shots every time heidi said HALLELUJAH, and started spraying her hair with that stupid dry shampoo shit....and we only watched the last half hour.
Apparently I farted on her in my sleep. Then, just to be sure she was cool, I did it again on purpose and she didnt say anything. So, WIN?
I feel like ignoring a facebook event is a lot like a pocket-veto. The only difference is instead of opposing legislation, I don't want to go to your sketchy party.
you kept wiggling your finger at everybody at the party telling us this is how he fingered me. you seemed pretty upset about it.
Somewhere in this world my second husband is in 9th grade.
Welcome to my life. currently drinking beer through two straws. easier/faster that way.
The google font looked peculiar last night, but then up close I realized it was just dry vomit.
he ruins everything I try to do including his roommates
We had to leave the bar because you were trying to show the bartender your boobs for water.
Somehow I magically turned down a threesome last night. On my birthday. You're a horrible wingman.
Dude I really need to stop drinking. I chugged a whole bottle of ketchup last night.
My hair is short now so it will be easier to give you alot more blow jobs
I'm going to take this text and frame it on my mantle
Your choices in alcohol this weekend are thoroughly disappointing
Its amazing how creative youll get when your house has been out of toilet paper for a week and a half
Randomize
