Hey dude. Went to the hospital. Call me when you get up
if you take his cock out, you have to give him a bj. it's like giving a moose a muffin.
She asked me how I live with myself. I told her one night at a time.
In Berlin they just cured HIV with stem cells. I am hereby fucking anything that moves.
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I was batman and I saved her. Then we had sex on a rooftop.
My first sex dream, I blew myself. Yours definitely wins.
We literaly had to peel your fingers off the jose cuervo bottle and lock it in someones room
Next person that gets my dog drunk is paying to have my carpet cleaned. I am tired of getting up to pee and stepping in dog barf.
Give us adventure or give us cock. Or cocktails.
I feel like all of the victims from Seven. Best birthday weekend ever.
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Just called a girl a cunt over peanuts. I think we both know it wasn't just about the peanuts.
I think I just legit sprained my wrist from holding myself up while giving a blow J. God dammit come already
I think I pulled a boob muscle during phone sex
ALL I WANT FOR CHRISTMAS IS FOR YOU TO SHUT THE FUCK UP FOR ONCE
I'm so drunk I forgot what to do to go pee.
we're tipping the strippers with chocolate coins.
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