i just pissed myself at work. maybe they'll buy the old coffee spill trick
Three things I need a picture of: your friend, your bong, and your dick.
Why is my drynk life bleeding into my real life
Just you wait I'll be crying and puking everywhere in no time
I'm not judging you. Just know that you could be Queen of The World. Instead you're 5:28 p.m ponging. I hope you're at least winning
This morning I got out of bed 4 HOURS LATE, made eggs with a plastic beach shovel, and then ate them using pens like chopsticks in my bed with my turtle. Obviously, I am not in the mood to be proactive with my life today...
My head feels like Jesus is projectile vomiting hammers on it
I mean jail does seem alright, all the free broth you can eat.
I am putting together a break up mix and its pretty much the best of Phil Collins
I think someone cast a spell on the lazy stoner rich boy stereotype and it came to life and called me.
Just realized I chose a bacon cheeseburger over sex last night
My next goal in this relationship is to teach my boyfriend that there are valid reasons to be fear of dolphins completely.
He was licking my ear while recommending that I shop at IKEA. I think he's my perfect guy.
I'm actually glad the whole thing's over now. It's exhausting to fake a pregnancy.
Imagine not having to fake it.
Yeah, I should never have kids, probably.
Pretty sure my aunt hooked up with one of my brothers frat brothers at his graduation party
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