Pregnant stripper...not hot.
after giving me morning oral, he left saying "hate to eat and run but..." oh yeah, he's getting a second date.
Vibrator and massage oils got stopped at security. Super.
super high. so of course there was a shoot out at the bank. there are 20 cop cars no lie. if i make it out of this i will never smoke again
Attention: due to the power outage we will not be playing drinking games and watching the royal wedding. Bring your own bottle and we'll just drink in silence.
dude, I feel like I need to get my gf's roommate a gift. something that says, sorry you walked in on me getting blown. suggestions?
ROOF CAVED IN, WE'RE GUNNA MAKE A WATERSLIDE
just cuz theres a goalie doesnt mean i cant commandeer the goal and become a way better goalie
I know it's early but when you wake up can you please validate my life and tell me I'm not just a drunk idiot.
I still have way too many Frat houses to get blackout drunk at before I'm get in any type of relationship
You've lost booty call privileges between the hours of 10pm and 8am.
Omg I just woke up. In the hallway outside my room. I know you had something to do with this
Just hit on a girl with the line, "You look like Natalie Portman if she did drugs". Strike 1
With each thrust he'd whisper "like a ninja." Should I be flattered or appalled?
He was someone so memorable that I'd completely forgotten he'd existed up to and during the encounter
Randomize
