I was actually kinda bummed my STD test came back negative.
That would have been proof he'd slept with the stripper. Lame.
...and the foreplay consisted of me threatening to cut off his hand if he didn't remove it from my back.
Just caught my dad doing coke in my bathroom again. Guess whose getting a new car for christmasss.
I NEED TO GET TO THE PLAYGROUND. I JUST NEED TO SWING. IF I SWING MAYBE THE SMELL WILL COME OFF OF ME. I NEED TO SWING
There are two types of people in this world I don't trust: people who collect stamps, and people who don't drink
Some guy just showed up at my door to return my bikini top. EXPLAIN NOW
I'd rather take 10 virginities than catch something. Right now I should be good, I mean the sex with Jake was so bad he can't possibly have an std
Awkward moment: seeing and saying hey to the MILF you're sleeping with while shopping with your mother and sister.
Idk I somehow continue to get laid by pulling my dick out and reciting the 3 world country orphan kid commercials
Also, beer. Big fan.
Needs to be more caveman. "Me kill roommate. You watch. Then sex time with our genitals."
I still have the video of you three making soup in my kitchen and asking random people for permission DURING the party, not after like usually
Don't remember, didn't happen
I HAVE THE VIDEO YOU DICK IT HAPPENED
honestly if there were pictures of last night i would be embarrassed.... im embarrassed without pictures
So now your dad has seen my tits. You could have told me he was coming by to help paint.
I didn't think you'd be painting the kitchen topless.
I couldn't find a shirt I was willing to ruin.
I learned three things this morning. Don't get out of my car without my keys, don't let a girl paint my nail unless I'm getting laid by said girl, and lastly I learned how to break into my own car.
Randomize
