your parents love me but you hate me
I'm basically sure i was the reason for glitter on his penis
Well, find something you can use as a snorkel and be aware of your surroundings.
It's not slutty if it's for workout purposes...right?
Depending upon how the Sox game progresses, I'll either cry on the bar or fuck someone tonight...
My financial advisor filed my girlfriend's abortion under "investments" so my wife wouldn't find out
No, this is a senior booty call. It cannot be ignored.
i was beyond wasted so he tucked me into bed and wrapped the blankets around me like a burrito. then gave me a bloody mary and an omlet when i woke up. and who says living with your cousin is a bad thing?!
Hey. My eyes swollen shut and I can't find my shoes. How was your night?
We just got in a fight with grandma b/c she tried to tell us you didn't go hard.
well he never texted me back and the pizza I took my rage out didn't deserve such malice
If u ever apologize to me for "too-rough" sex again I will suspend ur all-access pass to my vagina indefinitely
Well I didn't get a shacker shirt but I somehow managed to come home with superman socks
I legit just swiped right with a Tinder feminist just to get in an argument with her. Soo that's my Friday night so far...
She was so happy for me that she insisted I fuck her with my Bills jersey on. THAT ACCOMMODATING
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