Reminder- he's a douche bag. A big one.
so im watching realhousewives of jersey with my mom. she just said they werent really rich bc they were doing their own makeup.
Nothing is worse than puking naked in front of strangers
So he asked me last night if I would cheer him on while he masturbated...
Planned Parenthood should have gift certificates.
He asked me to touch his mustache. Should I go home with him?
Saw a sign earlier "Domino's Lava Cakes $3.00" and I thought of you. This text brought to you by thing I don't need to know about your sex life.
Well, there goes the no drunk sex injuries resolution.
Your panties and toothbrush are in your mailbox. just not ready to be with anyone serious. take care.
He had seven beers and tap-danced on the table like a pro. HOW DOES HE DO IT
Dude. If I met a dinosaur right now. we'd totally be on the same page. Brainwaves and shit.
Eight drinks in. Subject is fondling chips before eating them. Intoxicated texting has expanded from best friend to random guy I met in FBLA.
I just watched some guy take a shot of jack Daniels, chase it with a shot of ciroc & then violently rip his pants off. You have to come here.
If I die tonight somebody's going to have to let all my tinder matches know.
I haven't been drunk for four days and just realized I haven't taken a shit for three. This can't be healthy.
Which part?
Randomize
