just took a shot of grandma at the fucking bowling alley... this is going to be interesting
I feel like i just miscarried Jesus's baby...
9 am. shotgunning while conditioning my hair. i love college football season.
He was putting purell on my boobs saying "they need to be clean for later." He hadn't had a drink all night
It was unlikely that the relationship was going to end with anything other than antibiotics.
So Ryan had to wash the dishes. His solution: take a shower with them. I'm never eating at his house again.
I'll pull you in a wagon. You'll have a sash and a crown on and we'll sing "All the Single Ladies"
Pretty sure I just heard the turkey yell "don't put me in there" as it was going in the oven. way too high for this holiday.
She just broke down showed up grabbed a beer said fuck it pulled off her fake eyelashes looked at my roommate and said we need to break up you're a nice guy and I'm a whore
He just asked me if he's allowed to flirt with me. That's how whipped he is.
There was another blizzard last night and at one point I was drinking 3 beers at once. Driving home didn't seem like a wise option
i may have given a gay guy with a mohawk my number last night that said... "you are straight" omg so glad a whole year til my next birthday... also i hit myself in the face with a car door. nice.
at first i said "no rollerblading if I'm going to be drunk," but we all know how that went
I need a hobby that isn't dick related
I still blew him because I won't let allergies keep me from doing what I want. But I almost suffocated like 10 times.
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