I swear my cock just shook it's head disapprovingly at me.
My professor is talking about sperm and all I can think about is my mouth
I miss seeing your mom and dad at church, well mostly just your mom... She used to hug my face into her boobs.
It's like trying to pry an octopus off you. Except the octopus speaks English and can get drunk.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Whatever you do to me, stop, I found yet another blonde hair in my asshole.
I'm not gonna lie. having my legs shaved for me in the morning was a lovely surprise.
i will replace your cream cheese. there's enough for breakfast. you are my friend. i had guests we wanted bagels so bad im sorry. i left you notes. i love you. you have enough for a bagel or two and i will get you more. you are so pretty.
i'm way too high for it to be safe that i just discovered i have a fire extinguisher
Oh thank the gods of upholstery, i thought that was never coming out...
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm actually not sure I need to run today, between the crazy monkey sex and breaking into my own house.
And really all I wanted was to be like "hey can I borrow your dick for a few hours this weekend?"
I've reached the gravitational age where it's very hard to get my face and my boobs in the same shot without some kind of yoga involved .
You just wrote a check for drugs...pretty sure you don't have cash for beer..
HE TALKS ABOUT HIS DICK IN THIRD PERSON ABORT MISSION ABORT FUCKING MISSION
He finally left. I didn't introduce him to the roommate. The sex is bad. I don't want him to feel welcome
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