You don't have asthma, your pregnant
Note to Self: No matter how horny, turned on or in the moment you are, never go down on your gf after she had soccer practice.
its a vaginal recession for me, ill take what i can get
you kept insisting that i was jake gyllenhaal and you were heath ledger.
You started laughing mid-cry and when I asked you said, "my tears taste like vodka."
She looked at me and said "i like penises." and then passed out with her condom balloon animal in her hands.
Well this lady at the bar told me I was a natural on the tambourine and that it was my God given talent. and then she gave me a tambourine.
5am update: in a toga seeing triple made out with both sexes
that's just what you get for learning massage techniques from gay porn
For sure. Gotta go. Building an igloo.
You need to be full form and virile tomorrow so I can live vicariously through your rub and tug.
I never thought wine and chicken nuggets would end up being a thing that I did, but here we are
I went to work hungover and threw up in the break room. Told them I was pregnant and then said I quit. I don't have a job now, thanks vodka.
I cannot take an uber back in my costume...can you please come get me?
my lips are numb and my face feels like a pool. PENGUINSSSSSS
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