it was like one of those moments where the couple runs together and kisses and everyone in the airport claps. but instead of clapping an indian guy walked by and said 'ahhhright! get some!'
She just sent me videos of her blowing my little bro and my best friend... worst. ex. ever.
I don't know if I should be scared or excited that I can officially drink vodka on the rocks like it's 7up.
He just dragged himself across the floor on his back claiming to be "the swiffer" help
I won't be able to get a boner for a month
Challenge accepted.
I hooked up with Spider-Man on the hood of Santas car. I kept saying that he could shoot his web at me. Also I found Waldo. Overall good night.
with great strapon comes great responsibility.
You wouldn't believe how many pro-life stickers, and "show us your tits" signs there are between here and Dallas.
He was having this drunk emotional breakdown and I was just trying to cheer him up but instead fell and dumped the whole pickle jar on me
It was cool though because he was fine afterwards and somehow I convinced them I did it on purpose...
You kicked me our in the middle of a blizzard with a dead phone. I had to give my watch to a pizza delivery person to take me home. You owe me a gyro too.
I have alotted at least an hour for ugly crying.
I had sex upstairs in my parents house, and my mom texted me and said "those raccoons are out of control in the walls."
Came home to butt plugs and dildos in the bathroom sink WTF
Spring cleaning
And change of plans today, I'm gonna lay in bed and eat taco bell and try not to die. Brazilians another day.
Why don’t they have healthy alcohol yet?
Randomize
