I am sleeping on the floor in your room so if you have sex in here just don't roll on me
Jeremys mom is here. I gave her mad jello shots and now were griding. ima give it to her: ultimate payback for him fucking my gf.
just realized the sink is the perfect height to piss into never cleaning the toilet again
after the cops left he pulled the weed out of his ass and we smoked it
Best walk of shame ever. Not only did I not remember his name or the fact that we fucked, they all watched as I tried to get into 3 cars that werent mine
Oh and I threw up on myself...
you know it's bad when you need sunglasses to open the refrigerator
You can't just send the picture of my vagina back to me, 2 months after we broke up, and make small talk out of it.
You okay?
I walked into work with a banana and a loaf of bread
she just called me the flavor packet to her ramen noodles. get me the fuck out of here.
She literally just changed his birthday. Overly attached girlfriend has nothing on her.
Great news I took pics last night
Warning: most of them are of you peeing while I take selfies
Unintentional and slightly frustrating adventures are basically all I'm good for. Expect heart palpitations, cheap food, and homeless men serenading us.
If I got to choose how I die, it would be in an Olympic sized pool of gin and tonic.
Man it shouldn't be possible to get mad while you're stoned. I feel like ive broken one of the laws of physics
I'm just really glad SD weather is so erratic so I can get away with wearing a scarf in May to cover up these hickeys.
Randomize
