Haha no. But I cannot hook up with you anymore. Especially when you group text people.
She's hot and she went to Notre Dame. I want to fuck the Catholic right out of her
He uses pillows to masturbate.
I'm watching Terminator eating a jar of marshmallow fluff. Trust me, you are not fat.
Isn't that the only thing she's good at? Complaining and blow jobs?
I'll check it out in the morning. Tonight has been reserved for getting baked and covering myself in kittens because THAT IS AN OPTION.
My mom comes home from her weekend with her lesbian co-workers and asks "You wanna know how I got these bruises?" I've never been more torn about anything EVER.
Look, you don't know disfunction until you've sat on the john taking a shit and crying while totally sober.
He wanted to watch the vow, cuddle, and not have sex. An upgrade is in order.
Hey man, when I left for work she was laying on the couch naked cuddling your keurig, can you clean that mess up?
Even blacked out me knows not to sleep with socks on
I woke up with my phone plugged into an extension cord in my garage. No clue how I got home. Videos of me flogging my roommate with my set of keys telling him he's the worst roommate ever. And my mom woke me up at 8am asking how to make a DVD...Goddamnit first Friday.
I vomited out my contact lenses last night
He was cute in a Sketchy-trying-to-sell-you-a-vaccum-at-9-at-night kinda way.
I smell Vodka. It's me. If anyone asks it's totally hand sanitizer.
Randomize
