i just saw my boxers from 2 days ago stuck in a tree 4 miles from my house
you dont have to exercise, you threw up last night!
Hashbrowns don't come out your nose as easily as you would think
I've got 15 minutes to eat dinner and drink a 40. Four years of college has all been training for this moment.
he drove an hour to get eggs with me not even a blow job, just eggs.
I know I said that I'd stop dating 20 year olds... but at least this one's not my student...
I made him leave at 3am, he texted me a couple minutes later and said the elevator was broken and he was sleeping in there, but he said I was worth it so I don't feel guilty
I just used my glow stick from the dance to find my way in the bathroom to puke. Who wants me on their corporate team
Stop saying "make it happen". I'm not gonna say "hey, you should get naked with your sister and roll around together while I penetrate you both"
Yes. Do not say that. That will not make it happen.
Still. Make it happen
My mother is a bitch. She just outed me to my dad. He wants to meet you by the way...
My sobriety has gotten out of control. I think I need an intervention.
Well, I'll handle this like I always do. Black the fuck out, make out with randoms, give out my number like candy. You know. Standard operating procedure
We banged in his car behind the burrito place. Google Maps keeps asking me to rate my visit. 5/5, would cum again.
You stumbled into the hotel room escorted by security and then went into the bathroom sat by the toilet, threw up for hours while slamming your head on the wall and whimpering "why" over and over.. I went to bed
I have so much to do, no motivation, and Harry Potter is on. You KNOW whats taking priority in my life right now
Randomize
