the not having weed thing wouldnt be nearly as tragic if it wasnt the one holiday where they launch bright flaming things into the air
so i was pissing and the phone rang but i forgot i was pissing so i just ran to answer the phone. it was too late when i realized
giving him head while hes talking to his fiancee on the phone about inviting me to their wedding.... im invited. should i go or would that be wrong?
Im in a bar and I just invented a scrabble drinking game. People are cheering. It's like the universe has aligned itself.
i think i made a good impression on his friends wen i survived 55 cup beer pong
We are not turning the camelbak into a beer bong
I've gotta stop getting kicked out of bars for fighting with people over the accuracy of the Harry Potter movie.
A stranger just came up to me and asked why I hadn't texted him, and if he was just a one night stand. I live for these moments.
I wasn't that drunk, I know my limits. When peeing became difficult I stopped taking shots.
You merely adopted the alcohol. I was born into it. Molded by it. I didn't see the hang over until I was a man and by then it was only blinding.
You are cordially invited to an I'm not pregnant laser tag celebration tomorrow. booze is optional.
Update: his apartment is apparently in the campus Christian community center. The fact that I fucked him on the couch in the lobby is officially my crowning life achievement.
Lost my anal v card with Peter Thiel's RNC speech on in the background. Unbelievably appropriate
He literally just laid flat on top of me motionless at one point. It felt less like foreplay and more like he was trying to use me as a flotation device. 0/10
His name isnt in my phone as “Satan’s spawn” for no reason. #devildick
Randomize
