That girl would be way hotter if she changed her face.
So we were banging and she started puking all over my bed. I'm not sure what's worse, her puking, or that I felt the urge to start singing Flip-adelphia.
Somehow last night, my dad got me so drunk that I ended up throwing up on the couch, turning the cushions over to hide it, and going to sleep on them.
I suppose drinking a cosmo at lunch alone can't look good but I mean... sometimes it's just necessary
Are you high?
The snorkel mask makes that pretty clear
I just stood still on a stair at the train station expecting it to go down automatically like an escalator... Today's going to be a good day
I feel like satan and death had a baby that took a shit that replaced my brain.
As soon as the clock wound down to zero, she declared "HALF-TIME HEAD" and pulled down my pants. After the swallow, she said "BEER CHASER," got me a new one, and asked if she could make me a sandwich. Pretty sure she's lobbying hard for a ring.
I should become her mentor. Get her life back together for her
You mean sponsor?
I'm about to turn myself in when I'm less hungover.
See, this is why we give you shit. Ashley gets her car cleaned out, I get multiple enchiladas made, and you get cum in your eye.
Rebounding with her sister was the best idea i ever had.
Wanna go get tea? Warning: I will be high in an hour.
You went into the bathroom, got in the tub with a pillow, yelled "this isn't as comfortable as it looks in the movies" then passed out
Can’t fucking wait for Tuesday night. Have another situation that popped up. I swear my life is like a cross between a soap opera and a porno
Randomize
