you left a giant bottle of vodka in my room from last night. does this serve as a parting gift or hush money?
You kept buying everyone Washington apple shots, and telling us we needed to support local produce.
i wanna anger bang this girl behind me at work. she never shuts up with her annoying voice. but her boobs are phenom.
i slept with him so i could steal the screens out of his sink faucets for my bowl when he went to sleep. not because he's funny.
I bought a police grade breathalyzer on ebay at 4:37 am. At least I'm a responsible drunk.
I can't believe I had to convince you to not drink butter.
Upon further investigation it turns out it wasn't blood, but chocolate frosting from the cupcake I shoved in my pocket to "save for later"
You and Eric are like slutty bowling balls, and that poor family are the pins. They won't know what hit em.
strike, motherfucker.
I threw up for like 20 hours. Im gonna be the DD for the next 5 years.
So I bring Danny back to the apartment for the first time and my roommate is curled up in the beanbag in the middle of the floor, wearing nothing but her uggs, high out of her mind and watching Harry potter... She offered us kettle corn.
He asked if he could come over tomorrow....
Do you want the fat one with an ok face or the skinny ugly one?
It doesn't matter as long as our shame is in tandem.
I say this out of love and friendship. Eat ice cream not the d.
How my distance relationship is going: he's trying to sext me & I'm stuffing pizza in my face.
I found a loose wire in my thermostat. Couldn't find the pliers, so I used a nipple clamp to fix it.
She was shaving her legs in the neighbors pool when we found her.
Where'd she get the razor?
Not the point.
Randomize
