it's too hot outside to masturbate.
In America we eat man semen.
He spent most of his night trying to convince people that he had changed and was no longer a sleazebag...he had his nut hanging out of his pants about an hour later.
He cut part of his finger off. It was a consolation blow job.
She tried to kill herself by taking a whole packet of panadol. I mean HELLO THAT'S ME EVERY SUNDAY MORNING.
I guess birthday shots aren't always the answer
Well, I'm at the grocery store wondering whether I exist or not.
He's a little cute, in a dorky, I-know-for-a-fact-his-cock-is-huge kind of way
I seriously think I may just have to live here. In this bed. Naked.
The bartender had to walk me home last night. New high or new low?
So here's a brief summary of my weekend: last night I drank four glasses of Death Punch, grabbed the toaster, said "This is mine", put it in my pants and walked out the front door.
I get so many dick pics from him...He has an unhealthy obsession with his own penis...
I may be going to Mexico. I just met a drug dealer at a strip club. Seems legit.
He dared you to draw a map of the USA on your wall in mustard. You drew something that vaguely resembled a velociraptor eating Oklahoma, got embarrassed because you forgot how to spell America, then hid out in the coat closet until everybody left.
She handed me scissors and told me that they were the ones with the lowest probability of having been used to trim someone's pubes.
Randomize
